An End To Bullying

I am being bullied.

There is a girl who puts me down no matter how hard I try at something. She scrutinises my appearance whenever she sees me. She calls me fat, ugly, useless, annoying, weird and stupid. She knocks my confidence just as I am starting to feel good about myself. She tells me the things that everyone else is whispering about me behind my back.

That girl is me.

I am twenty-three years old and I bully myself. I have gone through life never feeling good enough, always wanting to be thinner, smarter, funnier, kinder, more popular. I brush off compliments and dwell on the tiniest criticisms, I frown at myself in the mirror instead of looking at all the things there are to like about myself. I put myself down constantly, in a way I would never dream of doing to anyone else. I don't know why I do it. I don't know why it is so hard for me to feel happy and accepting of the person I am and the body that I'm in. I have a loving family, wonderful friends and a supportive boyfriend. None of these people give me any reasons to believe the things that I tell myself. I am the only one who feeds my negative beliefs. If one person does something that upsets me, and ten people are kind to me, I will focus on the one who treated me badly. My mindset is geared towards self-hatred, with the slightest tap of a button sending it full steam ahead. I find it difficult to rise above negativity and be kind to myself.

But I've decided to try and put a stop to it. I won't let myself be my own worst enemy anymore. I'm going to look in the mirror and focus on the things I find beautiful, instead of the things I find ugly. I'm going to nourish my body and care for myself better, instead of neglecting myself because I don't feel worthy of self-love. I want to show myself the respect that I deserve. I'm sure it's going to be difficult, but I'm writing this as a reminder to myself that it's time for things to change. Every day I want to make an effort to love myself a little more.

My friend Rosie took this photo one day when we went to the beach, but I didn't like it because I thought I looked fat. I'm posting it now, because that day was full of happiness and there's no sense in dwelling on my own warped insecurities anymore.

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